September 2019 Developer Horoscope

You don’t need to go to a professional to get your horoscope read! You just need me to use a random tarot card generator and read the results back to you, but in a slightly nerdier way. Here’s this month’s Developer Horoscope!

Sep 15, 2019
development, satire, - Sep 15, 2019

September 2019 Developer Horoscope

You don’t need to go to a professional to get your horoscope read! You just need me to use a random tarot card generator and read the results back to you, but in a slightly nerdier way. Here’s this month’s Developer Horoscope!

Aries

Normally, your die-hard perfectionism makes you feel ashamed when you ask others for help, even going as far as to chastise yourself for searching up the answers to tricky problems. But with the Full Moon in Google this month, that shame is gone, baby. You only write the best code, and sometimes that means reaching out to others for help. So get out there and be your best self!

Taurus

Bad news, Taurus: Github is in Retrograde, which means you’ll be seeing a whole lot of merge conflicts this month. Your stubborn nature normally leads you to just replacing your co-worker’s changes with yours (and why shouldn’t you? your code is awesome), but this might be the month to hold off on that —force push. Who knows? Maybe your co-workers might actually have a valuable contribution this month.

Gemini

The past month has been crazy. Maybe you’ve taken a new job or started working on a new project. Whatever it is, you’ve just finished making a big change and you’re not too certain about what things will be like from here. Thankfully, the Full Moon in Google is about to bring much needed answers and clarity to your life. It’s time to sit down, have a cup of tea, and open up your favorite IDE - the hard part is over, and now you’re free to write your best code with a renewed sense of confidence. Go get it, girl!

Cancer

Hey Cancer - don’t think I can’t see all those warnings in your compile console. And have you really been testing enough edge cases in the code you’re writing? Your boundless creativity has been paying off, but make sure those awesome results aren’t coming with technical debt. Github in Retrograde normally means trouble for the other signs, but you might be coming out on top this month - the team is slowing down thanks to merge conflicts, which gives you some breathing room to step back and refactor the codebase. Make the most of it now, and watch it pay off next month!

Leo

Slap a ‘fragile’ sticker on that ego, Leo, cause with Github in Retrograde your co-workers are about to start playing the blame game. Being the most prideful of the star signs (and with good reason!), you’ll have the most to lose if anyone discovers that your last commit is the cause of all those recent bugs. But thanks to your chronic fear of being wrong, you’re the best debugger on the team. So grab your rubber ducky and start writing those print statements, and remember: to write bugs is human. To debug; divine.

Virgo

The CTO will challenge you to a duel. You will win. You’ll take his place as the new Computer Overlord. Your reign will be long and cruel.

Long live the Queen.

Libra

You’ve always been on the hunt for new tech to learn, and with the Full Moon in Google this month, that search is about to pay off big. This might be the month where you finally fall in love with a new language, or find that framework to solve all your problems. Get ready to start your next adventure!

Scorpio

Are you feeling ambitious this month, Scorpio? Well too bad, because Github in Retrograde is about to throw everything you love into chaos. The coming weeks are going to bring setback after setback, and the faster-than-light progress that the other signs know you for is about to collapse quicker than you can say “why is this merge request still failing?”. But it’s not all bad: this month will be an amazing opportunity to practice your debugging skills, and you’ll come out the other side stronger than ever!

Sagittarius

With Github in Retrograde, your team’s about to meet some setbacks. But no worries: as a professional problem solver, you’ll be the star of this month! Your co-workers will look to you for solutions, and you’ll be the one who’s best equipped to handle it. If anyone deserves to be employee of the month, it’s going to be you.

Capricorn

Github in Retrograde means chaos for organizations, and in your case, you might be about to see some restructuring. If you’re an employee, be prepared to have to adapt to new roles or learn new skills. If you’re a manager, now might be the right time to evaluate your team’s bus factor.

Speaking of bus factors, hasn’t it been a while since Sam went out on that coffee break?

Sam?

Aquarius

Good news, Aquarius! The Full Moon in Google will bring answers and clarity to your life, so those muddy waters are about to get crystal clear. This month will be the best time to make those big decisions in your life: like whether or not you want to take the job offer, or if you really want to have lunch at that same cafe for the fourth time in a row. Whatever you decide, choose with confidence! You got this, girl.

Pisces

Github in Retrograde is about to bring some unexpected chaos to your projects. You’ve been putting off some difficult decisions for a while, and now’s finally the time to sort through them. Do you want to actually refactor your code, or just slap another library onto it? Add unit tests, or just keep testing in production? Fix the bugs, or comment them out? Whatever it is, I know you’ll make the right decision. You go girl!


Disclaimer: any typos in the above post are caused by bit flips and are not my fault.
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