Starting from sprint planning all the way to deployment, there’s countless ways to ruin your coworker’s lives. Here’s a handy how-to guide!
1. Ask “will this scale” whenever another developer suggests a new idea
Sometimes, your coworkers will be feeling bold enough to suggest adding a new feature rather than just implementing the tickets they already have. This creates more tickets, and thus should be treated as a grievous betrayal. To punish them, ensure you always reply with a swift “how will this scale?” before they’ve even finished explaining the idea. By forcing your coworkers to consider hypothetical scaling issues that’ll likely never even happen, you’ve effectively crushed the idea before it could even be considered. Great work!
2. Keep your coworkers alert by messaging them “hey” in Slack, placing a weighted object on one of your keyboard keys, then leaving for a coffee break
3. Add words like “simply” to all of the docs
Let me make this clear: learning to code nowadays is way easier than it used to be. Back in my day, we had to read actual coding books. Like C++ Coding, or Learn Python the Hard Way, or The Story About Ping.
Nowadays, there’s countless articles and YouTube videos on how to learn coding. It’s easier than ever for new developers to break into the field.
But why should it be?
You had to suffer. You had to download ebooks from LimeWire. You had to go to page 2 of Google search results. Why should the new coders have things any easier?
Fortunately, justice is only one word away! Add “simply” to the most time-consuming instructions in the your company’s code docs. Other senior developers won’t notice, but the juniors will be sent into a spiral of existential suffering and insecurity that’s only appropriate for anyone trying to learn programming, no matter the year.
Here are some fun examples:
“To run this project, simply apt-get python3 and install all the required dependencies.”
“Simply configure the docker container.”
“Once you’ve ssh’d into the instance, to edit the config file, simply open it in vi.”
4. When projects at work aren’t going well, start dressing in your previous job’s merch
5. Ask “do you have any blockers?” whenever any coworker is taking a break
This one’s a great tip for managers!
Sometimes, your workers will grab a moment of respite from this capitalist hellscape by chatting near the water cooler, or making a coffee. This is the perfect time to strike.
Just as the worker is about to take a sip from their latte, or launch into another tirade on what they thought about the latest Star Wars thing, stand in front of them and loudly ask “do you have any blockers?”
Usually, this will guilt the worker into returning to their desk and working on that ticket you assigned them. Success!